Dust off an old Dream

Thanks again to Nicole Antoinette for shaking up my world yesterday. Her blog post was all about redefining failure. Instead of viewing failure as not achieving our goals, we should view failure as not stating or chasing after your goals in the first place. Hear here!

Nicole suggested you ask yourself these questions (among others), "Who do I want to be?", "What do I want to experience?" and "How can I fully show up for myself?" Each question was it's own summit to climb and I stared at that first question for what probably added up to hours in total.

Of course I wanted to distract myself, to check my emails or walk away, but I sat there and determined not to move until the question was answered. Who do I want to be? Who DO I want to be? Dammit I don't know!

I knew I didn't want to be employed. I think wage slavery is a mugs game I've been playing far too long, but I've never been one of those people who had a talent they could make money from. I have researched a MULTITUDE of home-businesses from sewing to market stalls but never found one that could make a comparable income.

A few years ago I quit my administration job to become a kennel-hand; this was by FAR the closest I had ever been fulfilled by my employment (I love animals), but in the end seeing all the good animals put down every week was too much to bear. At least I found my beloved Winstan there and I managed to save just one.

Winstan lying on Jess

So all I had to go on was: I want to be self employed and I want to help animals. Then the little light bulb went on over my head; although the better analogy would be, then the fog cleared away and I could see the light bulb over my head. You see I remembered rather than realised that I have always wanted to run an animal sanctuary. Big or small, it doesn't matter.

However everyone had always said, "You can't do that, they're money pits" which, of course is true. So I chalked it up to a pipe dream and forgot all about it. Until yesterday.

So here, now, I say to you all. I WILL have an animal sanctuary. And if I don't make it, at least I tried, and then I haven't failed at all.

To finish or not to finish

I am not a great finisher. I’m a great starter, I can make lists and plans and phone calls. I can sign up and buy the equipment and make a commitment… but then somewhere along the line, motivation fades, I stop doing or attending, and then my new favourite fad becomes another in a LONG list of ‘unfinished‘.

Take roller derby for example. I’ve already explained in a previous post how my gusto and (two years of) training in fresh meat turned into a big nothing when I lost motivation and found excuses not to attend the training.

Over the years I’ve done many photography courses and spent a small fortune on equipment but now my camera and lenses sit in my cupboard unused and unloved. Over a decade ago I became an avid rock climber and still have my shoes, harness and chalk bag tucked away in the same cupboard; if I put my roller derby gear in that cupboard you would see a graveyard of all my attempted hobbies.

I’ve always defended my willingness to try new things as a ‘lust for life’ and not worried too much when I haven’t continued them on after the initial shine wears off. But as I’m growing older I’m starting to wonder if this eternal wandering to the next thing is a character flaw; an inability to finish.

That was why I was so gutted when I didn’t finish the roller derby training. I’d promised myself, THIS time, I was going to do everything it took to see it through, and I failed. In hindsight, had I known the time commitment I was going to have to make, I might have reconsidered taking up the sport. However, that drive to complete something I set out to do is still strong.

Today, I thought, “I don’t need to blog today; I know I set out to write every weekday to create a new habit (thanks ZenHabits), but I already missed one day when the server went down so if I miss another day, who will care?” But I only made the commitment to do this just over a week ago! I can’t give up already?!

So this is good practice for me to keep doing what I said I would do. With no ‘finish’ date to aspire to I’m not sure how I can succeed at this task, other than to just write. Every weekday.

Are you a good finisher? What methods do you use to keep yourself on track?