The Depth of Doubt

I remember my bhante (buddhist teacher) telling me once that doubt is a useful tool, but also the last hurdle to leap on the path to enlightenment - it is there till the end. 

Using doubt as a tool to question your thoughts, feelings and beliefs is something I have learnt to do with practise; however some times the doubt travels so deeply - to my core, and it's hard to think about anything else.

Am I in the right job? Should I become ordained? Should I sell everything? Should I stay or should I go? What will happen to my loving partner and our dogs?

I try to use these experiences to open my awareness to the various opportunities available to me, however searching for the other, the better somewhere else, is just a form of chasing, of grasping at the future.

It is a bit like being an alcoholic; taking one day at a time - I don't need to figure out all the answers now, I just need to do the best I can in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment.

Unfortunately at times like this my ability to remain in the moment is reduced, and my awareness of how short and fleeting our lives are increases, so I have an overwhelming urge to change SOMETHING. Something that will take me one step closer to the end of samsara; this never-ending wheel of birth, life and death.

It must be time to contemplate The Noble Eightfold Path. Perhaps my monthly challenges could instead be focused on the precepts instead of habits?! Although it might be more appropriate to contemplate the path during my morning meditations...

How deep is your doubt? 

Looking for help on how to talk to my father about death

I'm looking for help on how to talk to my father about death: has anyone else had to broach a difficult subject with a loved one? My Dad was diagnosed with myeloma in January and has been in denial ever since. I would like to be able to talk to him about what he thinks happens after death - it's a subject that has never been discussed in our family. 

What I want to say is, "Dad, what do you think happens when we die?" but I have fear of upsetting him because he will get emotional in front of me which he does not like. My parents were born in the 1930s which is only relevant because they were each brought up in families which did not discuss difficult or emotional issues. My mum still believes the best way to deal with difficult situations (like my fathers illness) is to smile and not make a fuss.

That is her way of dealing with it and I haven't pushed things, thinking at some point we'll have to talk about the development of the disease and prepare for the future, but any attempts to discuss the subject are met with flat denial. My dad says "I'm not dying, that's not what the doctor said", despite the fact that he has a terminal cancer. The cancer WILL kill him unless something else does first, isn't that the definition of dying?

Of course in that regard we're all dying. I'm aware that I will die and I've done contemplation meditation to walk myself through it, I think it's natural to prepare for your death as you would a birth or marriage; I'm concerned that this inability to talk or think about death will make my father's death a frightening experience for him. I'd love to be able to help him to a place of calm before or during his death, but if we can't even talk about it how can it happen...???

Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches

For those of you too young to remember Peaches by The Presidents of the United States of America, that's a musical reference from way back (1996) and is related to a conversation with my lovely man Mike that I had over the weekend.

We went back to The Paddock to water the 200 plants we put in 3 weeks ago (for details you can read my permaculture blog here), which was good and bad. Bad because it's a three-hour drive each way so we spent half of our weekend driving there and back just for it to rain all Saturday night and Sunday (i.e. wasted trip - we only went there to water!), but it was equally good and definitely worth the trip because
a) it's always good to get out of the city, it's way more relaxing in the country
b) it gave Mike and I a chance to chat properly without the distraction of TV, phones or other noise.

I'd been needing to have a proper talk with Mike for quite a while but just wasn't making it happen. He's been stressed at work, and I've been feeling down so we were just in a place where we were snapping at each other and not communicating well. The quiet (and cold!) at The Paddock gave us the peace we needed and we talked openly about a variety of topics in front of the fire.

I explained I've felt a rising melancholy that he has a job he loves and fulfills him (which I don't) and that although I signed up to work full time until we could live at The Paddock in comfort, I just don't feel like I'm being true to myself to do something a don't love for a decade, just to pay the bills so I can do something I love later.

Unfortunately I'm not one of those people who figured out what they want to do with their lives at a young age (or at any age - I'm 37 and I still have no idea what job would make me happy). I came very close when I worked at the kennels, because I love dogs with a passion, but the kennel also housed a pound and there was an immense amount of sadness attached to that little place. But I digress. 

Just to show how completely amazing Mike is, he heard me out then suggested we work towards a much closer timeline. Why don't we work towards getting it comfortable enough for me part-time, instead of both of us full-time. Then I can look at spending a few days in Perth and a few days in the country each week (with a day ferrying to and fro - most likely on the bus).

The fact that Mike was even open-minded enough to consider this sort of setup, let alone clever enough to think of it just astounds me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. 

So now I'm calm again, with a slightly altered direction. Nothing needs to change in the short term but in two years I'll be looking at installing a toilet/shower block which would make the shed habitable. By then we will have completed the insulation to keep the temperature more comfortable and we will have a generator or similar power source for electronics.

Then I'll just need a part-time job either here or there for an income source and I'll be ready. Mike admits he would only be ready to move to the country once it's as comfortable as our house in the city, because he expects to need to keep working for the long-term. And why not? He loves what he does, why should he give it up to live in a freezing shed and be broke? But there is a middle path; Mike helped me find it and we'll walk it together.

First 12km Fun Run: Results and Reaction

Yesterday I completed the HBF Run for a Reason 12 kilometre course, and I managed to run jog the entire way. I am so proud of myself!

Considering just over 6 months ago I couldn't run at all I feel a huge sense of accomplishment having completed this distance, even though today I am hobbling like a chicken with two broken legs...

The official race results will be published tomorrow, but according to my watch I finished the race in 1 hour and 16 minutes: 5 minutes less than my previous 12kms during training.

At the start line there were rows and rows of portaloos that had been brought into the city centre, and about 400 people queued up to use them! It was cold and about twenty minutes before the race I decided I needed to pee. There was no way I was going to make it through the queue and back to the start in time so I held on.

There were four areas of portaloos along the race course but a queue at every one of them... so I ended up running the entire 12kms needing to pee! It was good motivation to keep running and get there as fast as I could. Perhaps this did affect my running form which went out the window about 5 minutes into the race.

I'm sure this is why my knee is so sore today; it started hurting after the first kilometre or so. Despite a sore knee and a heavy bladder I kept on going, I never really doubted I would make it, which for me is a very positive improvement in mindset.

Having experienced depression in my life, I'm very aware of the critical voices in my head which are regularly mumbling in the background - I think we all have them. However with regular practice in meditation and mindfulness I am now able to notice when these voices arise, stop the train of thought (by focusing on the present: "feet on the floor, breath in the nostrils" etc.) which helps stop the cycle of depression beginning. This kind of mindfulness is a very powerful tool against depression.

What is new, what I'm not used to, is hearing a positive silence; a lack of internal critical voices. I didn't really experience this until I started running long enough to zone-out. Meditation in action. I don't need to focus on my breathing, or on my feet hitting the pavement, I just stop thinking altogether and start experiencing life.

This is how I felt during moments of the run but overall I just KNEW I would make it, no matter what. Have you experienced a rise in self-confidence? What helped you?

All is Impermanent

One of my favourite Buddhist sayings is ‘all is impermanent’. It is one of those rare truths that covers the action of every atom in the multiverse, after all, everything is in constant flux and flow. Even the most permanent things we can think of are impermanent: one day the concrete we stand on will be rotten and ground to dust – even the planet we stand on will grow old and die, as will the sun that shines down upon us.

Similarly, we are also constantly in flux. Our cells die and are (sometimes) renewed, our glands release hormones, our brains release chemicals and fire electrical signals; yet we are completely unconscious of all the activity occurring in our bodies and minds.

Quite often changes that affect our lives can seem extraordinarily difficult to deal with, but when we look at the change affecting us in relation to impermanence, we realise that the change itself is natural. It is ourselves holding onto the past, wishing things would stay the same, which causes the difficulty.

 A few months ago my father was diagnosed with myeloma – bone marrow cancer. The natural reaction is to wish that life could go back to the way it was before the onset of the disease, but this kind of thinking only increases the feelings of helplessness and panic: “There is no going back! Things will never be the same again!”

Rationally I know that my father’s old age and disease are a natural part of life, and yet my attachment to him means I want him to always be healthy. This is when ‘all is impermanent’ becomes a helpful contemplation, to a degree, it becomes a comfort.

The pain and anguish felt at any time in life, is impermanent.

No matter how bad things get, it is impermanent. There will be happiness again in the future.

Of course for balance, it is important to remember that all is impermanent during the good times, as well as the bad, otherwise we fall straight back into clinging to the present or the past. 

Understanding that ‘all is impermanent’ allows us to realise our true nature, and that of the universe around us; and in that, we can find peace.

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These ideas have developed during my learning about The Four Noble Truths.

First Post Introduction

Inspired by Leo Babauta from ZenHabits I am hereby beginning an attempt to write every day (well, at least every WEEK day). Encouraged to give my rambling thoughts some sense of order I decided to start this blog.

I don’t feel like a ‘natural’ blogger because I am quite a shy person at heart. Also my only previous experience ‘writing’ has been in a diary I kept as a child/teen and some essay writing for various courses I have studied over my life.

See? Already I want to go back and delete the previous paragraph. My inner voice is being critical; “who cares?” and “you don’t write well enough to be interesting”.

Well, it’s a start. I’ve actually considered writing a blog before, but what to write it about? Lack of topics isn’t exactly a problem for me, I have varied interests but compartmentalise my life to such a degree that combining all these topics had just not crossed my mind. That is, until now.

So I will be attempting to blog about these subjects which are close to my heart (these are NOT in any kind of order):

Self-sustainable living

Fashion: with a heavy leaning toward Rockabilly and Vintage

Sewing and other D.I.Y.

Anarchism and Self-Management

Practicing Buddhism

Being Vegetarian (I’m a vegan wannabe)

Dogs and Animal Welfare

Permaculture

Running and other awesome sports like roller derby

Alternative lifestyles

I’m sure there is a lot of ground I will cover otherwise too, as this process unfolds.

Most of all I want to be honest. Honest with you and honest with me. I haven’t always been honest to myself, or those who love me. I want to lose the fear I have of ‘everything coming out’, I don’t know why but I’m afraid if I truly let people get to know me, then they won’t like me anymore.

So I have ‘work’ friends and ‘girl’ friends and ‘couple’ friends but only a handful of people in the world know all the dark parts about me that I usually gloss over. They are the people who have seen me at my worst and have stuck around. True friends. I’m lucky to have even a handful of such amazing people.

Let me finish by introducing some of my favourite blogs/sites of the moment:

The Rockabilly Girl Next Door

ZenHabits

No Meat Athlete

JuliaBobbin

PLEASE feel free to leave any comments, good or bad, all criticism is welcome and will be taken constructively. OK, for total honesty, I will attempt to take all criticism constructively, but if I feel any rage rising I'll go back and read one of my favourite ZenHabits on A Method for Beating Anger, then I'll come back and reply from a better mental place. xxx