Blogging to work through grief and depression

Well it happened. Dad died. Two months ago.

Dad had been sick for a long time - over 2 and a half years, but he still died 'suddenly', of a heart attack one night. I always thought I would be there with him when he died, so to receive the phone call in the middle of the night, that dad had passed away, was beyond a shock. I felt like I was living in a surreal dream-world where everything moved slowly and sights and sounds were brighter and louder. I just haven't woken up from the dream yet.

Maybe I went back to work too soon? I helped arrange the funeral and went back to work a few days later. I took off the day of the funeral and ended up needing the next 2 days off too. It took way more out of me than I'd anticipated, and still the dream continues.

Six weeks later, and I've been working every day except for the odd day I've had to go home early (crying too much to work) and once I took a day off after having nightmares about my dad all night. I just don't feel like I'm getting any 'better'.

The overwhelming urge is to go away, just to pack a bag, leave the house and drive off into the sunset with my dogs. That isn't a practical solution, even at the best of times, let alone when you are so stuck you can't even figure out how to dress in the morning. I need a change though. SOMETHING has to change. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life - get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, walk the dogs, have dinner, go to bed... without being present for any of it.

So how to make a change? I'm due to go on holiday in a month but that feels like a lifetime away. And I don't see how 2 weeks in a foreign land is supposed to shake this feeling anyway?!

Practising Presence

Something amazing happened today. A fairly large problem in my life apparently resolved itself! And somehow I believe that my presence in the moment allowed this to happen.

I tried to type a brief back-story here about the experience, however it quickly spirals into personal family details that don't need to be expressed, so if you don't mind, I will keep this topic brief and somewhat vague.

For the last three days I have needed to write a message to my family, in order to try to bring three very different perspectives close enough in line that we could talk calmly. Yesterday I sat in the sunshine at lunch time and contemplated the subject thoroughly. I felt that I had the right 'angle' and tone for my letter, however something was holding me back from writing it.

Again today, I sat with the problem during my lunch hour, and considered the details some more. Finally late in the day I felt it was time to write the letter - now! When I logged into my email to begin, I saw an email from my mother. She had been to an appointment with my father in which the health professional made a decision on our behalf. She made a professional decision and it made each of our perspectives null and void. Now we had one way to face the issue, and that's that.

The email that I had drafted in my head was not needed, and I didn't have to worry about how each family member might react. Perhaps it was only coincidence (not that I believe in coincidences!) that I hadn't written that email either of the two days previous.

Since returning from our trip to Europe I have been spending as much of my day aware of the present moment as possible. I was lucky to be able start training my brain to do this while we were on holiday, and I can already feel my 'autopilot' mind trying to come back now I'm at home.

It was that awareness, a connection to the universe (perhaps)? That told me, go write your letter now. And the problem was solved.

Modern Messiahs

I'll be offline for a few weeks while Mike and I travel over seas for his brother's wedding. Before I go I wanted to do a quick post on modern spiritualism (if that's what I should call it?)

If you haven't seen Russel Brand's spiritual rantings, then you need to see his "Awakened Man" video. Yesterday I came across Jim Carrey's one minute "speech to change your life", and the night before last I listened to Mark Maron's WTF podcast with RuPaul and was seriously gobsmacked. If you thought RuPaul was "just a drag queen" you HAVE to listen to this podcast, he is one SERIOUSLY spiritual guy.

So why are these pop culture celebrities turning to spiritualism? (And these are only a few examples, I'm sure there are PLENTY more). I mean, aren't most of us meant to aspire to a life of wealth, fame and beauty (that these guys already have), yet it is obviously pretty hollow when they get there, otherwise why would they search for more?

It is very exciting to hear such awakened words coming from such a variety of people, and so unexpected too. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new era of consciousness? Even the scientific community is beginning to look at what came prior to the Big Bang and a very viable answer is consciousness. Consciousness created the universe, it isn't just a by-product of life.

So Bill Hicks had it right all those years ago! "All matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."

Who is your spiritual hero?

Be present this Christmas

I haven't blogged recently because I've been really down of late. The calm I brought back from Bali has definitely left and the only saving grace is my Christmas holidays start at 4pm today.

It is tough being an emotional species, all around me are people who are excited, stressed or depressed and Christmas seems to be a catalyst for emotional extremes: the highest highs and the lowest lows.

This year I'll be having Christmas at my parents house, for what will most likely be my dad's last Christmas. His myeloma seems to be progressing faster than originally expected so the pressure is on to make this a 'happy family' Christmas for everyone to remember, and there is nothing like emotional pressure to add to the festive season!

This week I have also forcibly changed my sleeping pattern from late-to-bed-late-to-rise to an early-to-bed-early-to-rise pattern by going to bed an hour earlier than usual and getting up nearly two hours earlier in the morning. The reason I'm doing this is our summer has already started with a heat-wave and I've found it WAY too hot in the evenings after work to go running. 

Now I'm awake at 5am and have an hour and a half of cool air to exercise in before the temperature starts to soar (that's the plan anyway, so far I have only managed to walk my dogs that early). But I've only had about 5 hours sleep each night as it takes me hours to fall asleep when I go to bed earlier, until the exhaustion kicks in that is. Last night was the first night I fell asleep within an hour so at least my body is figuring out what I'm doing. 

So with the end of the year in sight it's a natural time to reflect on the year that has past and look forward to the next year coming. Having said that, after a little reflection I need to bring myself back to the now, lest I lose myself in fantasies and nightmares. The calm that returns when I'm consciously in the present is fleeting, but with practice will become less so.

That is my plan for Christmas, to be present, as much as possible.

Have a Happy Christmas everyone.

Booking time to make a decision

Things have been very busy lately; between long days at work, the upholstery course at weekends, trips down to The Paddock, socialising and family I haven't had time to stop and smell the roses (hence my Yoko Ono inspired Day-In-Bed on Sunday).

And now I've come to realise that I have a nagging feeling inside that is letting me know it's time to make some decisions and figure out if I'm still travelling on the right path. I try to do this kind of check-in regularly and it's only when things have been this hectic that I forget.

I don't formally meditate everyday (that is, I don't take time out of my day to sit and meditate) but I do try to meditate in the moment at least once during each day. That gets tricky the more you have going on in your mind, the less likely it is to stop the jibber-jabber and relax. 

So I've determined to book out some time to practise contemplation meditation; one hour will be a long time to sit for the first time in a while, so I might book in incremental sittings of 30, 40, 50 then 60 minutes so I can work up to an hour of seated meditation.

When it's been a while since my last long meditation, bringing in habitual ceremony also helps the mind 'remember' the practice. So making a quiet place to sit, lighting incense, ringing a bell all help to clear the mind in preparation for the contemplation.

I'm not expecting to resolve any decision from my first practise, so booking in a few or several meditations will help me relax as it takes the pressure off finding an answer in a set period of time. In my experience, any expectation (of a result) will make the contemplation more difficult.

Now I just need to check the calendar, book in my sessions and commit to them! I'll let you know how I go.