After spending some time reviewing all of my priorities I have decided to discontinue my blog. My work position has changed and I have fewer hours in the day available to study and write. Since I already have quite a few balls to juggle at the moment (balls which cannot be dropped: family and friends) I am consciously letting go of other 'priorities' such as study and blogging.
Mike and I are even thinking about downsizing and selling our block in the country. This is a huge deal for us as we have told EVERYONE that we will be building a house and moving out there to retire. As it turns out, our life plans have changed and it can be difficult and daunting to realise and admit that, when it happens.
We are currently contemplating telling everyone we know that the plans we have been talking about for 10 years, just don't suit us anymore. We feel like failures for signing up to a plan and not seeing it through, but we both agree that going ahead with the plan (to avoid feeling like failures) would be a poor decision.
I may come back and revisit this blog if the need to write becomes another priority for me in the future, but until then, I wish you all the very best that life has to offer.
Remember. Everything you need is already inside you.
Pay Attention to it.
xx AnnaKist
"Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." John Lennon
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mindfulness. Show all posts
Monday, August 18, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Practising Presence
Something amazing happened today. A fairly large problem in my life apparently resolved itself! And somehow I believe that my presence in the moment allowed this to happen.
I tried to type a brief back-story here about the experience, however it quickly spirals into personal family details that don't need to be expressed, so if you don't mind, I will keep this topic brief and somewhat vague.
For the last three days I have needed to write a message to my family, in order to try to bring three very different perspectives close enough in line that we could talk calmly. Yesterday I sat in the sunshine at lunch time and contemplated the subject thoroughly. I felt that I had the right 'angle' and tone for my letter, however something was holding me back from writing it.
Again today, I sat with the problem during my lunch hour, and considered the details some more. Finally late in the day I felt it was time to write the letter - now! When I logged into my email to begin, I saw an email from my mother. She had been to an appointment with my father in which the health professional made a decision on our behalf. She made a professional decision and it made each of our perspectives null and void. Now we had one way to face the issue, and that's that.
The email that I had drafted in my head was not needed, and I didn't have to worry about how each family member might react. Perhaps it was only coincidence (not that I believe in coincidences!) that I hadn't written that email either of the two days previous.
Since returning from our trip to Europe I have been spending as much of my day aware of the present moment as possible. I was lucky to be able start training my brain to do this while we were on holiday, and I can already feel my 'autopilot' mind trying to come back now I'm at home.
It was that awareness, a connection to the universe (perhaps)? That told me, go write your letter now. And the problem was solved.
I tried to type a brief back-story here about the experience, however it quickly spirals into personal family details that don't need to be expressed, so if you don't mind, I will keep this topic brief and somewhat vague.
For the last three days I have needed to write a message to my family, in order to try to bring three very different perspectives close enough in line that we could talk calmly. Yesterday I sat in the sunshine at lunch time and contemplated the subject thoroughly. I felt that I had the right 'angle' and tone for my letter, however something was holding me back from writing it.
Again today, I sat with the problem during my lunch hour, and considered the details some more. Finally late in the day I felt it was time to write the letter - now! When I logged into my email to begin, I saw an email from my mother. She had been to an appointment with my father in which the health professional made a decision on our behalf. She made a professional decision and it made each of our perspectives null and void. Now we had one way to face the issue, and that's that.
The email that I had drafted in my head was not needed, and I didn't have to worry about how each family member might react. Perhaps it was only coincidence (not that I believe in coincidences!) that I hadn't written that email either of the two days previous.
Since returning from our trip to Europe I have been spending as much of my day aware of the present moment as possible. I was lucky to be able start training my brain to do this while we were on holiday, and I can already feel my 'autopilot' mind trying to come back now I'm at home.
It was that awareness, a connection to the universe (perhaps)? That told me, go write your letter now. And the problem was solved.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Talking about depression
I've decided to write a blog post about depression, as this is something I experience fairly regularly, but rarely talk about openly. I think a lot of people do the same thing, talk when they're happy and don't talk when they're not, so it's not a topic blogged or talked about much.
However at any point in time, someone close to you is likely experiencing some level of depression or anxiety, they may just be good at hiding it. My partner is now 'coming around' after a prolonged period of depression. I should point out he would probably deny this, however his symptoms of reduced sleep and appetite and extreme apathy and introversion argue otherwise.
Likewise my father is currently going through a prolonged period of depression and a close friend is also experiencing symptoms of post-natal depression. Because my friends know I have had depression in the past, the women in my life are more likely to open up and share their experiences with me. However men find it much harder talking about their symptoms.
There are multiple reasons for this including the cultural barrier (especially in Australia but also in many other countries) where men are taught not to talk about their feelings, so shy away from emotional topics. Similarly, men are taught not to show their vulnerabilities so have (a) no desire and (b) no method of talking about their experiences.
Although my thoughts may become bleak I have found that presence in the moment is very helpful in keeping the dark thoughts from developing into suicidal thoughts. That's because we can become overwhelmed by our memories of the past, or fears and anxieties about the future, but things are usually OK in the present moment.
If things are not OK in the present moment, because we are grieving (or similar) then just remember that this period is temporary, it will pass. We will not feel like this forever, or even for a long time (although it may feel that way).
If it is memory of the past or fear/anxiety about the future making you depressed, come back to the present moment. Feel your feet on the floor, wiggle your toes. Your mind can be anywhere but your body is always in the present, so focus the mind on the body. Feel your breath enter your nostrils and your stomach rise and fall. This is the present.
You can do this at work, at home, on the bus or even on the toilet! Take notice of tension in your body, and your body posture. Are your arms or legs crossed? Uncross them. Is there tension in your jaw, stomach or shoulders? Relax them. Take a few deep breaths, and move forward with your day.
The longer you have been depressed, the more those neural networks in your brain will have a clear path to fire those same depressed thoughts at you. It's a cycle. So when you interrupt a 'dark' thought by bringing your focus to the present, you create a new path. Your mind WILL wander back to those same old thoughts, but when you are aware of it, bring your focus back to the present, and you make that new path a little wider.
This practice is called mindfulness and it's an ongoing process. When you become aware of your thoughts, bring your focus back to the present. Over and over again. Soon the new neural network path in your brain is clear and wide enough that you can pick up on your depressive thought AS IT ARISES, and you won't be taken down that depressing mental path so far.
So although I still get depressed and overwhelmed sometimes, I am able to control my reaction to these thoughts by awareness of their presence, and I NEVER feel as bad as I used to, as things in the present are never that bad.
If you are experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone about it today. The practice of mindfulness will help, however you are not alone and there are organisations you can talk to for free, if you can't talk to someone you know about it.
In Australia: www.blackdoginstitute.org.au or call LifeLine on 13 11 14
However at any point in time, someone close to you is likely experiencing some level of depression or anxiety, they may just be good at hiding it. My partner is now 'coming around' after a prolonged period of depression. I should point out he would probably deny this, however his symptoms of reduced sleep and appetite and extreme apathy and introversion argue otherwise.
Likewise my father is currently going through a prolonged period of depression and a close friend is also experiencing symptoms of post-natal depression. Because my friends know I have had depression in the past, the women in my life are more likely to open up and share their experiences with me. However men find it much harder talking about their symptoms.
There are multiple reasons for this including the cultural barrier (especially in Australia but also in many other countries) where men are taught not to talk about their feelings, so shy away from emotional topics. Similarly, men are taught not to show their vulnerabilities so have (a) no desire and (b) no method of talking about their experiences.
Although my thoughts may become bleak I have found that presence in the moment is very helpful in keeping the dark thoughts from developing into suicidal thoughts. That's because we can become overwhelmed by our memories of the past, or fears and anxieties about the future, but things are usually OK in the present moment.
If things are not OK in the present moment, because we are grieving (or similar) then just remember that this period is temporary, it will pass. We will not feel like this forever, or even for a long time (although it may feel that way).
If it is memory of the past or fear/anxiety about the future making you depressed, come back to the present moment. Feel your feet on the floor, wiggle your toes. Your mind can be anywhere but your body is always in the present, so focus the mind on the body. Feel your breath enter your nostrils and your stomach rise and fall. This is the present.
You can do this at work, at home, on the bus or even on the toilet! Take notice of tension in your body, and your body posture. Are your arms or legs crossed? Uncross them. Is there tension in your jaw, stomach or shoulders? Relax them. Take a few deep breaths, and move forward with your day.
The longer you have been depressed, the more those neural networks in your brain will have a clear path to fire those same depressed thoughts at you. It's a cycle. So when you interrupt a 'dark' thought by bringing your focus to the present, you create a new path. Your mind WILL wander back to those same old thoughts, but when you are aware of it, bring your focus back to the present, and you make that new path a little wider.
This practice is called mindfulness and it's an ongoing process. When you become aware of your thoughts, bring your focus back to the present. Over and over again. Soon the new neural network path in your brain is clear and wide enough that you can pick up on your depressive thought AS IT ARISES, and you won't be taken down that depressing mental path so far.
So although I still get depressed and overwhelmed sometimes, I am able to control my reaction to these thoughts by awareness of their presence, and I NEVER feel as bad as I used to, as things in the present are never that bad.
If you are experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone about it today. The practice of mindfulness will help, however you are not alone and there are organisations you can talk to for free, if you can't talk to someone you know about it.
In Australia: www.blackdoginstitute.org.au or call LifeLine on 13 11 14
Friday, March 14, 2014
The first fast and facing crises with awareness
Last Sunday Mike and I completed our first weekly fast (one day of the week without eating solids) which went well. There were two times during the day when I definitely felt ravenous - after lunch and after dinner time. At these times I drank some vegetable juice which I had prepared in the morning, that way when I was hungry (and grumpy) then I didn't have to think about the effort involved in juicing, the hard work (and cleaning) was already done.
Luckily I didn't feel too hungry when I went to bed either, certainly not to the point that it kept me awake. A dose of beetroot and celery juice filled me up enough to stave off any hunger pains; Mike preferred the apple and carrot juice combination instead.
I can't report that I noticed any great change (in health) that day or the next, however I was largely distracted by my father going to hospital late Sunday night with a fever, so I wasn't focused on the fast at that point.
On a separate subject, lately I have been overwhelmed by distressing stories: in books, movies and on the news. Having recently finished reading a very disturbing book called Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis (author of American Psycho, to give you some idea of the book's contents) and then watching movies such as Enter the Void and Oldboy as well as the always-depressing news, I was completely fed up with unpleasant stories.
There ARE good people in the world doing good things and I honestly believe there aren't enough stories being told about THEM. So with that in mind, on Sunday night Mike and I sat down to watch one of my favourite movies: Peaceful Warrior which is about facing adversity with awareness and being the best you can be. A truly inspiring movie based on an even more inspiring book (based on a true story).
Part way through the movie I had to hit 'pause' to take the call that my dad was in an ambulance on his way to hospital. After some discussion around what needed to be done immediately by the family (nothing by me that night, my duties started the next morning), I was able to finish watching the movie with a new level of awareness of the moment. My own crisis aided my attention to the moment and I was able to handle everything without being overwhelmed by the emotions I was feeling. I simply watched them rise and fall away in a wave-like pattern.
To paraphrase a line from the movie, "This is a scary time in your life, are you Paying Attention to it?" Well I was able to pay attention and the results of that experiment were far more enlightening than not eating food for a day.
Mike and I will fast again this Sunday (and each Sunday for the rest of March) to really give the fasting a proper try, so I will report back on any new findings.
And if you are also fed up with all the torture-themed gore-fests labelled as entertainment out there. What stories (books/movies etc.) do you recommend for revulsion fatigue?
Luckily I didn't feel too hungry when I went to bed either, certainly not to the point that it kept me awake. A dose of beetroot and celery juice filled me up enough to stave off any hunger pains; Mike preferred the apple and carrot juice combination instead.
I can't report that I noticed any great change (in health) that day or the next, however I was largely distracted by my father going to hospital late Sunday night with a fever, so I wasn't focused on the fast at that point.
On a separate subject, lately I have been overwhelmed by distressing stories: in books, movies and on the news. Having recently finished reading a very disturbing book called Glamorama by Bret Easton Ellis (author of American Psycho, to give you some idea of the book's contents) and then watching movies such as Enter the Void and Oldboy as well as the always-depressing news, I was completely fed up with unpleasant stories.
There ARE good people in the world doing good things and I honestly believe there aren't enough stories being told about THEM. So with that in mind, on Sunday night Mike and I sat down to watch one of my favourite movies: Peaceful Warrior which is about facing adversity with awareness and being the best you can be. A truly inspiring movie based on an even more inspiring book (based on a true story).
Part way through the movie I had to hit 'pause' to take the call that my dad was in an ambulance on his way to hospital. After some discussion around what needed to be done immediately by the family (nothing by me that night, my duties started the next morning), I was able to finish watching the movie with a new level of awareness of the moment. My own crisis aided my attention to the moment and I was able to handle everything without being overwhelmed by the emotions I was feeling. I simply watched them rise and fall away in a wave-like pattern.
To paraphrase a line from the movie, "This is a scary time in your life, are you Paying Attention to it?" Well I was able to pay attention and the results of that experiment were far more enlightening than not eating food for a day.
Mike and I will fast again this Sunday (and each Sunday for the rest of March) to really give the fasting a proper try, so I will report back on any new findings.
And if you are also fed up with all the torture-themed gore-fests labelled as entertainment out there. What stories (books/movies etc.) do you recommend for revulsion fatigue?
Monday, February 17, 2014
The Depth of Doubt
I remember my bhante (buddhist teacher) telling me once that doubt is a useful tool, but also the last hurdle to leap on the path to enlightenment - it is there till the end.
Using doubt as a tool to question your thoughts, feelings and beliefs is something I have learnt to do with practise; however some times the doubt travels so deeply - to my core, and it's hard to think about anything else.
Am I in the right job? Should I become ordained? Should I sell everything? Should I stay or should I go? What will happen to my loving partner and our dogs?
I try to use these experiences to open my awareness to the various opportunities available to me, however searching for the other, the better somewhere else, is just a form of chasing, of grasping at the future.
It is a bit like being an alcoholic; taking one day at a time - I don't need to figure out all the answers now, I just need to do the best I can in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment.
Unfortunately at times like this my ability to remain in the moment is reduced, and my awareness of how short and fleeting our lives are increases, so I have an overwhelming urge to change SOMETHING. Something that will take me one step closer to the end of samsara; this never-ending wheel of birth, life and death.
It must be time to contemplate The Noble Eightfold Path. Perhaps my monthly challenges could instead be focused on the precepts instead of habits?! Although it might be more appropriate to contemplate the path during my morning meditations...
How deep is your doubt?
Using doubt as a tool to question your thoughts, feelings and beliefs is something I have learnt to do with practise; however some times the doubt travels so deeply - to my core, and it's hard to think about anything else.
Am I in the right job? Should I become ordained? Should I sell everything? Should I stay or should I go? What will happen to my loving partner and our dogs?
I try to use these experiences to open my awareness to the various opportunities available to me, however searching for the other, the better somewhere else, is just a form of chasing, of grasping at the future.
It is a bit like being an alcoholic; taking one day at a time - I don't need to figure out all the answers now, I just need to do the best I can in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment.
Unfortunately at times like this my ability to remain in the moment is reduced, and my awareness of how short and fleeting our lives are increases, so I have an overwhelming urge to change SOMETHING. Something that will take me one step closer to the end of samsara; this never-ending wheel of birth, life and death.
It must be time to contemplate The Noble Eightfold Path. Perhaps my monthly challenges could instead be focused on the precepts instead of habits?! Although it might be more appropriate to contemplate the path during my morning meditations...
How deep is your doubt?
Friday, December 20, 2013
Be present this Christmas
I haven't blogged recently because I've been really down of late. The calm I brought back from Bali has definitely left and the only saving grace is my Christmas holidays start at 4pm today.
It is tough being an emotional species, all around me are people who are excited, stressed or depressed and Christmas seems to be a catalyst for emotional extremes: the highest highs and the lowest lows.
This year I'll be having Christmas at my parents house, for what will most likely be my dad's last Christmas. His myeloma seems to be progressing faster than originally expected so the pressure is on to make this a 'happy family' Christmas for everyone to remember, and there is nothing like emotional pressure to add to the festive season!
This week I have also forcibly changed my sleeping pattern from late-to-bed-late-to-rise to an early-to-bed-early-to-rise pattern by going to bed an hour earlier than usual and getting up nearly two hours earlier in the morning. The reason I'm doing this is our summer has already started with a heat-wave and I've found it WAY too hot in the evenings after work to go running.
Now I'm awake at 5am and have an hour and a half of cool air to exercise in before the temperature starts to soar (that's the plan anyway, so far I have only managed to walk my dogs that early). But I've only had about 5 hours sleep each night as it takes me hours to fall asleep when I go to bed earlier, until the exhaustion kicks in that is. Last night was the first night I fell asleep within an hour so at least my body is figuring out what I'm doing.
So with the end of the year in sight it's a natural time to reflect on the year that has past and look forward to the next year coming. Having said that, after a little reflection I need to bring myself back to the now, lest I lose myself in fantasies and nightmares. The calm that returns when I'm consciously in the present is fleeting, but with practice will become less so.
That is my plan for Christmas, to be present, as much as possible.
Have a Happy Christmas everyone.
It is tough being an emotional species, all around me are people who are excited, stressed or depressed and Christmas seems to be a catalyst for emotional extremes: the highest highs and the lowest lows.
This year I'll be having Christmas at my parents house, for what will most likely be my dad's last Christmas. His myeloma seems to be progressing faster than originally expected so the pressure is on to make this a 'happy family' Christmas for everyone to remember, and there is nothing like emotional pressure to add to the festive season!
This week I have also forcibly changed my sleeping pattern from late-to-bed-late-to-rise to an early-to-bed-early-to-rise pattern by going to bed an hour earlier than usual and getting up nearly two hours earlier in the morning. The reason I'm doing this is our summer has already started with a heat-wave and I've found it WAY too hot in the evenings after work to go running.
Now I'm awake at 5am and have an hour and a half of cool air to exercise in before the temperature starts to soar (that's the plan anyway, so far I have only managed to walk my dogs that early). But I've only had about 5 hours sleep each night as it takes me hours to fall asleep when I go to bed earlier, until the exhaustion kicks in that is. Last night was the first night I fell asleep within an hour so at least my body is figuring out what I'm doing.
So with the end of the year in sight it's a natural time to reflect on the year that has past and look forward to the next year coming. Having said that, after a little reflection I need to bring myself back to the now, lest I lose myself in fantasies and nightmares. The calm that returns when I'm consciously in the present is fleeting, but with practice will become less so.
That is my plan for Christmas, to be present, as much as possible.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Extreme Day Dreaming
More than usual lately I've found myself 'zoning out' for extended periods of time day-dreaming. And the phrase day-dreaming doesn't even cover it... that makes it sound like I'm picturing fluffy white clouds and birds on my shoulder...
I think EXTREME day-dreaming is a bit closer to the truth, it gives you the idea that this is the bigger bolder brother of day-dreaming (who has a dark side).
You see most of these extreme day-dreams (let's call them X-dreams) revolve around me venting at people. Usually shouting, maybe being witty or cruel but sometimes my X-dreams escalate to brutality and I dream about hitting out too.
I'm not overly concerned about this; I've known for many years I have anger issues and I meditate regularly to keep myself calm and on an even keel. So I'm not worried that I'm going to act out one of my X-dreams... I just wonder... is this normal? Does anyone else do this?
I know I can interrupt the X-dream and focus my mind on the present moment to let it go, but I think it's happening more and more lately because I'm finding them useful as a mental vent.
For those unaware my father has bone marrow cancer (myeloma) and I guess none of the family are coping brilliantly. I certainly have felt a LOT more frustration and anger well up inside as I'm dealing with the various details of the disease and it's treatment, so maybe the X-dreams are just my mind's way of releasing those emotions.
Anyway if anyone out there has experienced anything similar, or just wants to let me know that I'm dangerous and should probably have myself committed... then let me know. All feedback is appreciated.
I think EXTREME day-dreaming is a bit closer to the truth, it gives you the idea that this is the bigger bolder brother of day-dreaming (who has a dark side).
You see most of these extreme day-dreams (let's call them X-dreams) revolve around me venting at people. Usually shouting, maybe being witty or cruel but sometimes my X-dreams escalate to brutality and I dream about hitting out too.
I'm not overly concerned about this; I've known for many years I have anger issues and I meditate regularly to keep myself calm and on an even keel. So I'm not worried that I'm going to act out one of my X-dreams... I just wonder... is this normal? Does anyone else do this?
I know I can interrupt the X-dream and focus my mind on the present moment to let it go, but I think it's happening more and more lately because I'm finding them useful as a mental vent.
For those unaware my father has bone marrow cancer (myeloma) and I guess none of the family are coping brilliantly. I certainly have felt a LOT more frustration and anger well up inside as I'm dealing with the various details of the disease and it's treatment, so maybe the X-dreams are just my mind's way of releasing those emotions.
Anyway if anyone out there has experienced anything similar, or just wants to let me know that I'm dangerous and should probably have myself committed... then let me know. All feedback is appreciated.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Control yourself - you can't control anyone else
This morning I was pretty angry. The trains aren't running so Mike was driving me to work and he'd been really grumpy all morning. As he dropped me off he said "I need a holiday. I have a deadline next Wednesday so I'm probably going to take Thursday and Friday off. Bye." and drove off.
As I walked in to work I was absolutely fuming. He's given me no time to ask for the days off so I guess he'll be enjoying a long weekend at home without me. I was having angry imaginary conversations with him about why he didn't ask me to join him, or give me more notice, or be less grumpy etc etc.
Then I remembered, I can't control Mike. I can't make him be charming 100% of the time, or 80% or 50%, he's his own person. All I have control over is myself. I can choose to be angry at Mike and fume about it, or I can choose NOT to be angry and get on with my day; so I chose the latter.
Once you step back from the tumult of the emotion the clear air gives you the space for compassion. I realised Mike was being grumpy because he was under a lot of stress and not coping well; he needed my support not my anger. He mentioned his planned time off as he was leaving because he'd just thought of it - there was no malicious plan to have a holiday without me. Anyway why not?
Having time to yourself when you're not at work and not with your partner is important. I want more time like this so I certainly won't begrudge Mike some. So with the awareness of having control over yourself and NOT having control over others I turned anger into compassion, and when I see Mike tonight I'm not going to shout at him, I'm going to look after him instead.
As I walked in to work I was absolutely fuming. He's given me no time to ask for the days off so I guess he'll be enjoying a long weekend at home without me. I was having angry imaginary conversations with him about why he didn't ask me to join him, or give me more notice, or be less grumpy etc etc.
Then I remembered, I can't control Mike. I can't make him be charming 100% of the time, or 80% or 50%, he's his own person. All I have control over is myself. I can choose to be angry at Mike and fume about it, or I can choose NOT to be angry and get on with my day; so I chose the latter.
Once you step back from the tumult of the emotion the clear air gives you the space for compassion. I realised Mike was being grumpy because he was under a lot of stress and not coping well; he needed my support not my anger. He mentioned his planned time off as he was leaving because he'd just thought of it - there was no malicious plan to have a holiday without me. Anyway why not?
Having time to yourself when you're not at work and not with your partner is important. I want more time like this so I certainly won't begrudge Mike some. So with the awareness of having control over yourself and NOT having control over others I turned anger into compassion, and when I see Mike tonight I'm not going to shout at him, I'm going to look after him instead.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Slightly Obsessed with The Last of Us
I've just reached Winter, the third act in The Last of Us ps3 game and all I can think about is going home and playing some more. Of course I wouldn't have even reached this level if I hadn't been playing with Mike - he can go into a room full of infected over and over again, while I'm left shaking after each encounter (literally shaking too much to keep hold of the controller).
It's the same reason I love (but am useless at) zombie games - they simply terrify me too much. I have nightmares about zombies regularly enough, so when I watch The Walking Dead or play zombie games it affects me even more. So why do it? I can't help myself!
I used to watch scary movies because I loved that edge-of-your-seat feeling; I don't watch many scary movies any more but I still love that thrill of (safe) terror. So while my body is present at work, my mind is traversing the infected landscapes in The Last of Us. Oops. Time to live in the present!
It's the same reason I love (but am useless at) zombie games - they simply terrify me too much. I have nightmares about zombies regularly enough, so when I watch The Walking Dead or play zombie games it affects me even more. So why do it? I can't help myself!
I used to watch scary movies because I loved that edge-of-your-seat feeling; I don't watch many scary movies any more but I still love that thrill of (safe) terror. So while my body is present at work, my mind is traversing the infected landscapes in The Last of Us. Oops. Time to live in the present!
Monday, May 27, 2013
First 12km Fun Run: Results and Reaction
Yesterday I completed the HBF Run for a Reason 12 kilometre course, and I managed to run jog the entire way. I am so proud of myself!
Considering just over 6 months ago I couldn't run at all I feel a huge sense of accomplishment having completed this distance, even though today I am hobbling like a chicken with two broken legs...
The official race results will be published tomorrow, but according to my watch I finished the race in 1 hour and 16 minutes: 5 minutes less than my previous 12kms during training.
At the start line there were rows and rows of portaloos that had been brought into the city centre, and about 400 people queued up to use them! It was cold and about twenty minutes before the race I decided I needed to pee. There was no way I was going to make it through the queue and back to the start in time so I held on.
There were four areas of portaloos along the race course but a queue at every one of them... so I ended up running the entire 12kms needing to pee! It was good motivation to keep running and get there as fast as I could. Perhaps this did affect my running form which went out the window about 5 minutes into the race.
I'm sure this is why my knee is so sore today; it started hurting after the first kilometre or so. Despite a sore knee and a heavy bladder I kept on going, I never really doubted I would make it, which for me is a very positive improvement in mindset.
Having experienced depression in my life, I'm very aware of the critical voices in my head which are regularly mumbling in the background - I think we all have them. However with regular practice in meditation and mindfulness I am now able to notice when these voices arise, stop the train of thought (by focusing on the present: "feet on the floor, breath in the nostrils" etc.) which helps stop the cycle of depression beginning. This kind of mindfulness is a very powerful tool against depression.
What is new, what I'm not used to, is hearing a positive silence; a lack of internal critical voices. I didn't really experience this until I started running long enough to zone-out. Meditation in action. I don't need to focus on my breathing, or on my feet hitting the pavement, I just stop thinking altogether and start experiencing life.
This is how I felt during moments of the run but overall I just KNEW I would make it, no matter what. Have you experienced a rise in self-confidence? What helped you?
Considering just over 6 months ago I couldn't run at all I feel a huge sense of accomplishment having completed this distance, even though today I am hobbling like a chicken with two broken legs...
The official race results will be published tomorrow, but according to my watch I finished the race in 1 hour and 16 minutes: 5 minutes less than my previous 12kms during training.
At the start line there were rows and rows of portaloos that had been brought into the city centre, and about 400 people queued up to use them! It was cold and about twenty minutes before the race I decided I needed to pee. There was no way I was going to make it through the queue and back to the start in time so I held on.
There were four areas of portaloos along the race course but a queue at every one of them... so I ended up running the entire 12kms needing to pee! It was good motivation to keep running and get there as fast as I could. Perhaps this did affect my running form which went out the window about 5 minutes into the race.
I'm sure this is why my knee is so sore today; it started hurting after the first kilometre or so. Despite a sore knee and a heavy bladder I kept on going, I never really doubted I would make it, which for me is a very positive improvement in mindset.
Having experienced depression in my life, I'm very aware of the critical voices in my head which are regularly mumbling in the background - I think we all have them. However with regular practice in meditation and mindfulness I am now able to notice when these voices arise, stop the train of thought (by focusing on the present: "feet on the floor, breath in the nostrils" etc.) which helps stop the cycle of depression beginning. This kind of mindfulness is a very powerful tool against depression.
What is new, what I'm not used to, is hearing a positive silence; a lack of internal critical voices. I didn't really experience this until I started running long enough to zone-out. Meditation in action. I don't need to focus on my breathing, or on my feet hitting the pavement, I just stop thinking altogether and start experiencing life.
This is how I felt during moments of the run but overall I just KNEW I would make it, no matter what. Have you experienced a rise in self-confidence? What helped you?
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