Blogging to work through grief and depression

Well it happened. Dad died. Two months ago.

Dad had been sick for a long time - over 2 and a half years, but he still died 'suddenly', of a heart attack one night. I always thought I would be there with him when he died, so to receive the phone call in the middle of the night, that dad had passed away, was beyond a shock. I felt like I was living in a surreal dream-world where everything moved slowly and sights and sounds were brighter and louder. I just haven't woken up from the dream yet.

Maybe I went back to work too soon? I helped arrange the funeral and went back to work a few days later. I took off the day of the funeral and ended up needing the next 2 days off too. It took way more out of me than I'd anticipated, and still the dream continues.

Six weeks later, and I've been working every day except for the odd day I've had to go home early (crying too much to work) and once I took a day off after having nightmares about my dad all night. I just don't feel like I'm getting any 'better'.

The overwhelming urge is to go away, just to pack a bag, leave the house and drive off into the sunset with my dogs. That isn't a practical solution, even at the best of times, let alone when you are so stuck you can't even figure out how to dress in the morning. I need a change though. SOMETHING has to change. I feel like I'm going through the motions of life - get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, walk the dogs, have dinner, go to bed... without being present for any of it.

So how to make a change? I'm due to go on holiday in a month but that feels like a lifetime away. And I don't see how 2 weeks in a foreign land is supposed to shake this feeling anyway?!

Seeking help and monthly challenge update

It's been a while since my last post, not only because I've been struggling with a bout of depression but I've also come down with the flu. I think my body has simply collapsed under the strain of worrying about my family, working full time, having relationship issues and generally just trying to cope on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis.

Mike has convinced me to sign up for counselling with a carers organisation, which I can do via email rather than face to face. Its such a relief to be able to access that kind of service that way, as there is simply no time I could take out of my week to visit a counsellor, without work having to know (which is not something I'm ready to face as yet). So hopefully communicating with someone external to our situation, with experience caring for someone, will be able to help relieve the emotional burden I'm feeling.

Our trip to Germany is also coming up soon, we fly out in just over two weeks and all the arrangements are made. We want to continue with our monthly challenge up to and around our trip, while we'll have the three weeks we are away as a holiday without any challenge attached. So we only have two weeks to implement this 'months' challenge, so we thought we'd pick a tough one. As a lead up to trying to go vegan, we have decided to go dairy-free for the first two weeks of June.

I already drink soy milk in my coffee and rice milk in my smoothies (I'm lactose intolerant), but Mike is dreading having a soy coffee so will probably go back to drinking black coffee instead. The toughest part of this challenge will be for both of us to go without cheese and chocolate. We have cheese in most dinners and often have a few pieces of chocolate for dessert.

We found a deli not far away that sells raw vegan chocolate and it is the tastiest chocolate I have EVER eaten (no exaggeration), however it costs about $10 for a tiny tiny bar, so we are going to try to make our own raw vegan chocolate. I'll let you know how that goes.

Our monthly challenge for May was to quit smoking again which I managed after the first few days but Mike has struggled with this more - he still doesn't really want to quit, so without the motivation it just isn't possible, however he has cut down enormously.

I'll send an update prior to our trip to let you know how the raw vegan chocolate and dairy-free experience is going.

Auf Wiedersehen

Talking about depression

I've decided to write a blog post about depression, as this is something I experience fairly regularly, but rarely talk about openly. I think a lot of people do the same thing, talk when they're happy and don't talk when they're not, so it's not a topic blogged or talked about much.

However at any point in time, someone close to you is likely experiencing some level of depression or anxiety, they may just be good at hiding it. My partner is now 'coming around' after a prolonged period of depression. I should point out he would probably deny this, however his symptoms of reduced sleep and appetite and extreme apathy and introversion argue otherwise.

Likewise my father is currently going through a prolonged period of depression and a close friend is also experiencing symptoms of post-natal depression. Because my friends know I have had depression in the past, the women in my life are more likely to open up and share their experiences with me. However men find it much harder talking about their symptoms.

There are multiple reasons for this including the cultural barrier (especially in Australia but also in many other countries) where men are taught not to talk about their feelings, so shy away from emotional topics. Similarly, men are taught not to show their vulnerabilities so have (a) no desire and (b) no method of talking about their experiences.

Although my thoughts may become bleak I have found that presence in the moment is very helpful in keeping the dark thoughts from developing into suicidal thoughts. That's because we can become overwhelmed by our memories of the past, or fears and anxieties about the future, but things are usually OK in the present moment.

If things are not OK in the present moment, because we are grieving (or similar) then just remember that this period is temporary, it will pass. We will not feel like this forever, or even for a long time (although it may feel that way).

If it is memory of the past or fear/anxiety about the future making you depressed, come back to the present moment. Feel your feet on the floor, wiggle your toes. Your mind can be anywhere but your body is always in the present, so focus the mind on the body. Feel your breath enter your nostrils and your stomach rise and fall. This is the present.

You can do this at work, at home, on the bus or even on the toilet! Take notice of tension in your body, and your body posture. Are your arms or legs crossed? Uncross them. Is there tension in your jaw, stomach or shoulders? Relax them. Take a few deep breaths, and move forward with your day.

The longer you have been depressed, the more those neural networks in your brain will have a clear path to fire those same depressed thoughts at you. It's a cycle. So when you interrupt a 'dark' thought by bringing your focus to the present, you create a new path. Your mind WILL wander back to those same old thoughts, but when you are aware of it, bring your focus back to the present, and you make that new path a little wider.

This practice is called mindfulness and it's an ongoing process. When you become aware of your thoughts, bring your focus back to the present. Over and over again. Soon the new neural network path in your brain is clear and wide enough that you can pick up on your depressive thought AS IT ARISES, and you won't be taken down that depressing mental path so far. 

So although I still get depressed and overwhelmed sometimes, I am able to control my reaction to these thoughts by awareness of their presence, and I NEVER feel as bad as I used to, as things in the present are never that bad.

If you are experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone about it today. The practice of mindfulness will help, however you are not alone and there are organisations you can talk to for free, if you can't talk to someone you know about it.
In Australia: www.blackdoginstitute.org.au or call LifeLine on 13 11 14

The Challenge of Chit-chat

When things are hard in life; when dealing with issues of grief, loss or other hardship it can seem extremely difficult to keep up the chit-chat. The constant pleasantries that are part of the social contract, such as "how was your weekend?", "nice weather we're having!" etc.

I've recently been avoiding the lunch-room at busy times because I find the idle chatter about normal lives too tedious when I'm grappling with thoughts of old age, sickness and death, in relation to my ailing father.

A scene in a book I read recently called "The Name of the World" by Denis Johnson, describes one character, Tiberius Soames, who is assumed insane because he has given up on small-talk. When addressed by someone at a party he replies, "my mother died and her corpse was eaten by dogs". (I'm paraphrasing as I don't have the book in front of me).

How wonderful to be able to say exactly what you were thinking! And how obvious that this would appear crazy. The character even refers to the amount of chit-chat required as part of the social contract, and how he had better talk some nonsense for a while to make everyone happy.

I definitely recommend the book to anyone, even though it is off-beat! And although I haven't taken Tiberius' lead in talking quite so openly, I have spent more time this week engaging other people in honest conversation. I found that answering questions honestly (although with some editing) allows other people to drop the facade and engage in honest conversation too, if they want too.

Who knows? Maybe we are all walking around wishing we could talk more honestly with each other? I know I'm guilty of asking some of those tedious questions to other people in order to make small-talk.

What do you think?

"I don't want to be an ant, you know?" Waking Life

Be present this Christmas

I haven't blogged recently because I've been really down of late. The calm I brought back from Bali has definitely left and the only saving grace is my Christmas holidays start at 4pm today.

It is tough being an emotional species, all around me are people who are excited, stressed or depressed and Christmas seems to be a catalyst for emotional extremes: the highest highs and the lowest lows.

This year I'll be having Christmas at my parents house, for what will most likely be my dad's last Christmas. His myeloma seems to be progressing faster than originally expected so the pressure is on to make this a 'happy family' Christmas for everyone to remember, and there is nothing like emotional pressure to add to the festive season!

This week I have also forcibly changed my sleeping pattern from late-to-bed-late-to-rise to an early-to-bed-early-to-rise pattern by going to bed an hour earlier than usual and getting up nearly two hours earlier in the morning. The reason I'm doing this is our summer has already started with a heat-wave and I've found it WAY too hot in the evenings after work to go running. 

Now I'm awake at 5am and have an hour and a half of cool air to exercise in before the temperature starts to soar (that's the plan anyway, so far I have only managed to walk my dogs that early). But I've only had about 5 hours sleep each night as it takes me hours to fall asleep when I go to bed earlier, until the exhaustion kicks in that is. Last night was the first night I fell asleep within an hour so at least my body is figuring out what I'm doing. 

So with the end of the year in sight it's a natural time to reflect on the year that has past and look forward to the next year coming. Having said that, after a little reflection I need to bring myself back to the now, lest I lose myself in fantasies and nightmares. The calm that returns when I'm consciously in the present is fleeting, but with practice will become less so.

That is my plan for Christmas, to be present, as much as possible.

Have a Happy Christmas everyone.

Feeling blue? Pat your pet!

"The late Dr. Johannes Odendaal, research professor of the Life Sciences Research Institute in Pretoria, South Africa, conducted a study with dogs and humans in 2003 that indicated petting a dog released endorphins as well as other "feel good" chemicals in the brain, including dopamine, oxytocin, prolactin, and norepinehrine. Dr. Odendaal also said that the same physiological effects would result from petting a cat." http://pets.thenest.com/petting-cat-release-endorphins-10269.html

Further research has also shown that these chemicals are also released in the animal's brain, creating a calming cycle between the pet and the petter (that's you). I'm sure many animals WERE harmed in the research that brought us that little factoid, however, knowing that your dog or cat is also happy you're petting them makes petting them all the better. Better petting? Yes.

My dogs make me a happier healthier person in so many ways. When I get home they are thrilled to see me and always do their best to impress me with their good behaviour so that I acknowledge them (thanks for that tip Cesar Milan!)

Even though I'm tired and it's cold outside I need to get my dogs out for exercise so I rug up and go running around the park like a loon, after which I'm warmed up, happy and relaxed. What a great way to start every evening!

And now I know that a pet from me makes them as happy as it does me, it's just more reason to pet them. Cesar also taught me the importance of WHEN to pet your dog: exercise, discipline and affection - in that order, make for a well behaved, happy dog and owner.

My dogs, Winstan & Jess

Stress and the modern day fight/flight

As part of my recent studies in animal anatomy I’ve been learning about the nervous system. Something that peaked my interest was the fight/flightresponse and it’s affects on humans in the modern era. 

To summarize the fight/flight response, when an animal is put in a dangerous situation (for example a predator is approaching) hormones are released in the brain which affect the body in a myriad of ways, including the following:

•          blood pressure increases
•          heart and respiration rate increase
•          digestion slows or stops

That all seems pretty helpful if you have to run or fight for your life, but in the modern world humans don’t face predators on a day-to-day basis, yet our fight/flight responses kick in most days anyway. Why? Stress.

That heart-racing feeling you get when the deadline is looming or the paperwork is piling up, is your fight/flight response: your body actually wants to bolt away. And maybe the best thing to do is let it (well, at least to walk away calmly).

We all know stress makes us sick but what you may not be aware of is just how quickly or how sick stress can make you. After an initial boost in immune response (thought to aid any injuries received during the fight or flight) the body’s immunity is suppressed, so if your stress continues for hours or days then your immune system is not working and you are far more prone to infections. Having your digestion stop working causes its own set of issues, from diarrhea to mild malnutrition as you stop being able to gain the nutrients from the food you are eating.

Most people are aware that stress also stops you sleeping or wakes you up at night; this is due to the increased heart rate and the fact that your body can’t tell the difference between stress when you are awake and stress when you’re dreaming. Even those stressful dreams you have create the same hormonal secretions in the brain that cause the symptoms described.

I’ve only touched on the physiological (body) effects but the psychological (mental) effects and behavioural effects are just as serious. As your mind spins you’ll be less able to concentrate and may even experience forms of anxiety, depression or anger. Behavioural effects come into play when we self-medicate to alleviate the symptons: over eating or using drugs and alcohol to ‘relieve stress’ are common reactions.

So what can we do? Take that walk your body is expecting; if you TRULY can’t get away long enough for a 5 minute stroll then walk to the kitchen for a glass of water. At least the change of environment will help clear your head and the water will aid hydration (helping any digestion issues you may be subconsciously having). Lastly, breathing exercises are awesome for training your brain you aren’t about to be eaten by that pile of work, so will alleviate the symptoms.

What stresses you out, and what do you do to relieve stress?

Using music to alter your mood

I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. It happens to most of us at some point, but with a history of depression I tend to be quite aware when the gloomy thoughts take over. I use “in the moment” meditation techniques to break the cycle of negative thinking (such as “I feel the ground beneath my feet; feel the posture of my body”) because your body is always in the present moment. If you bring your mind to your body then you can break free from the negative monologue in your head.

This is something that needs to be done repetitively and is helpful to re-write the synapses in your brain. If you’ve had depression before then the repetitive negative thinking you experienced creates pathways in your brain that re-fire when you feel depressed. Hence the ‘cycle’ that you can become aware of (see the movie “What The Bleep“ if you want this explained beautifully).

Returning to the now IS helpful but it can also become tiring if you need to do it constantly (if the negative thoughts keep coming). What I’ve discovered, and now use as a secondary technique is upbeat music. Music has a profound effect on my mood; I used to know this subconsciously when I would listen to The Carpenters for hours when I was depressed. There’s nothing like Karen wailing her sad songs to keep you wallowing in depression!

With this awareness I now keep my mp3 in my bag and plug in my head phones whenever I need to. I did this on my way in to work this morning and changed a drab dark mood into an upbeat one, simply by playing tunes that made me smile or made me want to dance. You can’t be depressed when you’re dancing! I did have to sift through my songs so I think I’ll start an upbeat playlist called ‘happy tunes’ for a faster result next time.

Think back to the old songs that already have happy memories associated with them. When you’re in a dark place this won’t be easy but you may hear a great song somewhere and remember how happy it makes you feel, so note it down and add that tune later. ‘Brim full of Asha’ did that for me this morning, I mean, how can the lyrics “Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow, everybody needs a bosom” NOT make you smile?

What music makes you smile or dance?

Quantum mechanics: What do you mean I’m empty headed?

I watched a documentary last night called The Story of Science (Episode 2. What is the world made of?) Which, within the first 30 seconds completely blew my mind. Apparently if you were to take every person on the planet and remove all the empty space in us and push our matter together, we would take up the same amount of space as one small sugar cube. That’s all 7 billion of us in that one small sugar cube.

This is because when you break down what IS matter, you find molecules of elements made of atoms, but in each atom is a miniscule nucleus surrounded by a few whizzing electrons that don’t really occupy any space. Quantum mechanics does its best to offer a theory of where our electrons may pop into being at any one time, but, the electrons are so far away from the nucleus that the massive majority of what makes us (and all matter in the universe) is nothing. Void. Empty space.

A brilliant quote by physicist Niels Bohr offered in the program is, “If quantum mechanics hasn’t profoundly shocked you, you haven’t understood it yet”. Really this is a mind blowing concept if ever there was one. I feel solid, so does the ground, my chair, this desk; actually it’s all just empty space with trillions of tiny atoms moving around each other.

Although the theory of quantum mechanics has raised more questions than it has answered, it opens up the realm of possibility for human potential. As a Buddhist, it seems to me that knowing quantum mechanics (particularly, knowing that we are void empty space) is akin to enlightenment. Is it possible that Buddha had this awakening under the bodhi tree, that we are just star dust and space?

Of course knowing something with your head and knowing something with each atom of your body are two separate things. The movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?” discusses the possibilities that open up as we take charge of our infinite possibilities and manage our internal mayhem. I had a eureka moment watching that movie years ago as I realised that I had been choosing to be depressed for years because that was the habit my body was in. Changing my mood was literally up to me to change my mind. Once you have this knowledge you can change yourself in an instant. I did.

I’m not saying I’ve never been depressed since watching that movie, but when I’ve felt the old habits of whinging and sulking begin, I’m aware I have the power to change them, and I do. I no longer wallow in self-pity, and that’s a pretty amazing skill to have learnt while watching a movie.

As a new generation grow up with the knowledge of quantum physics, the possibilities of a deeper understanding are apparent. If we KNOW in our vibrating physical being that we are simply nuclei, electrons and space, what is stopping us from separating our bodies into particles in space? Humankind has the potential for a conscious evolution.

No, by the way, I’m not tripping, although I understand your point. This can all sound very hippy-dippy fast, which is why it is so amazing that scientific theory and research are proving that fact is truly stranger than fiction.

New Feminism – Choosing neither career nor family

I was amused to hear on the radio last year of a “New Feminism”: a wave of women who were responding to the pressures on women to “have it all” (the perfect career AND family) by living a fulfilling life with neither. It amused me because here was a tagline that I could easily pin to myself without even being aware of its philosophy.

So as an apparent ‘new feminist’ I can speak on my own behalf about why I have chosen not to have a career or family, but I’d love to hear from other people who have considered or chosen the same path.

Yesterday I briefly covered the reasons for not wanting children; the post was slightly tongue-in-cheek but still accurate from my own point of view. The issue runs much deeper than a quiet house though. I was adopted as a baby by two lovely people who raised me well. As an adult I decided to find my biological mother and we have a very good relationship together.

Possibly because I learnt my life skills from my adoptive parents, I’ve never felt the need to have my own biological children. Even when I was younger and thought I may have children one day, the idea of fostering or adopting a child never seemed like a consolation (for not being able to bear children), but a preferred option. There are so many children in the world that need love already, why create more?

As it turns out, the point is moot for me personally; I don’t want to put my life on hold to raise another being.

As far as a career goes, when I left university I was determined I was going to have a fabulous career and be a millionaire by the time I was thirty. I did give that ‘career’ a serious go: I was working in the IT industry and moved up the pay scale quickly.

Every couple of years I’d move to another firm to work in a different area of the industry because I was never happy with the work I was doing. Even though I created and designed a database for use by the government (a feat I was proud of) it felt hollow, knowing that in a few years all my hard work would be obsolete and replaced by a newer faster model. That is the way of IT, forever evolving. I soon realised anything I produced would essentially be worthless in about four years.

After a decade in the industry I’d tried everything to make my ‘career’ work and all I had was a bucket load of cash I’d blow every weekend in a never ending cycle to forget how empty my life was. During a period of sobriety I was able to contemplate my position, and realised it was time to let go. Let go of the idea of the career.

Shortly after, I quit my job and looked for a less stressful one, as it turned out I landed a job in administration and really enjoyed it. Yes, my pay was tiny in comparison, but I had more fun during my day and no urge to disappear in a fog of forgetfulness every weekend. It was the best decision I’d ever made.

Since then I’ve had a variety of jobs as I’ve jokingly worked my way DOWN the career ladder to less and less stressful (and lower paid) positions. Since I don’t have children and I just have Mike and our two dogs to look after, the lower income doesn’t really matter. I spend less because I earn less, that’s all there is to it.

For me personally, having no career or family is the best thing in the world. I have a job, but I’m honest with my employers that I just want somewhere to work for a few years until I move to the country. Not all employers want every staff member to be ambitious enough to work their way up to management; in my current position there is no position to be promoted to, so I’m a perfect fit!

What are your thoughts on career and family? One, both or neither?

First 12km Fun Run: Results and Reaction

Yesterday I completed the HBF Run for a Reason 12 kilometre course, and I managed to run jog the entire way. I am so proud of myself!

Considering just over 6 months ago I couldn't run at all I feel a huge sense of accomplishment having completed this distance, even though today I am hobbling like a chicken with two broken legs...

The official race results will be published tomorrow, but according to my watch I finished the race in 1 hour and 16 minutes: 5 minutes less than my previous 12kms during training.

At the start line there were rows and rows of portaloos that had been brought into the city centre, and about 400 people queued up to use them! It was cold and about twenty minutes before the race I decided I needed to pee. There was no way I was going to make it through the queue and back to the start in time so I held on.

There were four areas of portaloos along the race course but a queue at every one of them... so I ended up running the entire 12kms needing to pee! It was good motivation to keep running and get there as fast as I could. Perhaps this did affect my running form which went out the window about 5 minutes into the race.

I'm sure this is why my knee is so sore today; it started hurting after the first kilometre or so. Despite a sore knee and a heavy bladder I kept on going, I never really doubted I would make it, which for me is a very positive improvement in mindset.

Having experienced depression in my life, I'm very aware of the critical voices in my head which are regularly mumbling in the background - I think we all have them. However with regular practice in meditation and mindfulness I am now able to notice when these voices arise, stop the train of thought (by focusing on the present: "feet on the floor, breath in the nostrils" etc.) which helps stop the cycle of depression beginning. This kind of mindfulness is a very powerful tool against depression.

What is new, what I'm not used to, is hearing a positive silence; a lack of internal critical voices. I didn't really experience this until I started running long enough to zone-out. Meditation in action. I don't need to focus on my breathing, or on my feet hitting the pavement, I just stop thinking altogether and start experiencing life.

This is how I felt during moments of the run but overall I just KNEW I would make it, no matter what. Have you experienced a rise in self-confidence? What helped you?