The Depth of Doubt

I remember my bhante (buddhist teacher) telling me once that doubt is a useful tool, but also the last hurdle to leap on the path to enlightenment - it is there till the end. 

Using doubt as a tool to question your thoughts, feelings and beliefs is something I have learnt to do with practise; however some times the doubt travels so deeply - to my core, and it's hard to think about anything else.

Am I in the right job? Should I become ordained? Should I sell everything? Should I stay or should I go? What will happen to my loving partner and our dogs?

I try to use these experiences to open my awareness to the various opportunities available to me, however searching for the other, the better somewhere else, is just a form of chasing, of grasping at the future.

It is a bit like being an alcoholic; taking one day at a time - I don't need to figure out all the answers now, I just need to do the best I can in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment.

Unfortunately at times like this my ability to remain in the moment is reduced, and my awareness of how short and fleeting our lives are increases, so I have an overwhelming urge to change SOMETHING. Something that will take me one step closer to the end of samsara; this never-ending wheel of birth, life and death.

It must be time to contemplate The Noble Eightfold Path. Perhaps my monthly challenges could instead be focused on the precepts instead of habits?! Although it might be more appropriate to contemplate the path during my morning meditations...

How deep is your doubt? 

All is Impermanent

One of my favourite Buddhist sayings is ‘all is impermanent’. It is one of those rare truths that covers the action of every atom in the multiverse, after all, everything is in constant flux and flow. Even the most permanent things we can think of are impermanent: one day the concrete we stand on will be rotten and ground to dust – even the planet we stand on will grow old and die, as will the sun that shines down upon us.

Similarly, we are also constantly in flux. Our cells die and are (sometimes) renewed, our glands release hormones, our brains release chemicals and fire electrical signals; yet we are completely unconscious of all the activity occurring in our bodies and minds.

Quite often changes that affect our lives can seem extraordinarily difficult to deal with, but when we look at the change affecting us in relation to impermanence, we realise that the change itself is natural. It is ourselves holding onto the past, wishing things would stay the same, which causes the difficulty.

 A few months ago my father was diagnosed with myeloma – bone marrow cancer. The natural reaction is to wish that life could go back to the way it was before the onset of the disease, but this kind of thinking only increases the feelings of helplessness and panic: “There is no going back! Things will never be the same again!”

Rationally I know that my father’s old age and disease are a natural part of life, and yet my attachment to him means I want him to always be healthy. This is when ‘all is impermanent’ becomes a helpful contemplation, to a degree, it becomes a comfort.

The pain and anguish felt at any time in life, is impermanent.

No matter how bad things get, it is impermanent. There will be happiness again in the future.

Of course for balance, it is important to remember that all is impermanent during the good times, as well as the bad, otherwise we fall straight back into clinging to the present or the past. 

Understanding that ‘all is impermanent’ allows us to realise our true nature, and that of the universe around us; and in that, we can find peace.

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These ideas have developed during my learning about The Four Noble Truths.