Talking about depression

I've decided to write a blog post about depression, as this is something I experience fairly regularly, but rarely talk about openly. I think a lot of people do the same thing, talk when they're happy and don't talk when they're not, so it's not a topic blogged or talked about much.

However at any point in time, someone close to you is likely experiencing some level of depression or anxiety, they may just be good at hiding it. My partner is now 'coming around' after a prolonged period of depression. I should point out he would probably deny this, however his symptoms of reduced sleep and appetite and extreme apathy and introversion argue otherwise.

Likewise my father is currently going through a prolonged period of depression and a close friend is also experiencing symptoms of post-natal depression. Because my friends know I have had depression in the past, the women in my life are more likely to open up and share their experiences with me. However men find it much harder talking about their symptoms.

There are multiple reasons for this including the cultural barrier (especially in Australia but also in many other countries) where men are taught not to talk about their feelings, so shy away from emotional topics. Similarly, men are taught not to show their vulnerabilities so have (a) no desire and (b) no method of talking about their experiences.

Although my thoughts may become bleak I have found that presence in the moment is very helpful in keeping the dark thoughts from developing into suicidal thoughts. That's because we can become overwhelmed by our memories of the past, or fears and anxieties about the future, but things are usually OK in the present moment.

If things are not OK in the present moment, because we are grieving (or similar) then just remember that this period is temporary, it will pass. We will not feel like this forever, or even for a long time (although it may feel that way).

If it is memory of the past or fear/anxiety about the future making you depressed, come back to the present moment. Feel your feet on the floor, wiggle your toes. Your mind can be anywhere but your body is always in the present, so focus the mind on the body. Feel your breath enter your nostrils and your stomach rise and fall. This is the present.

You can do this at work, at home, on the bus or even on the toilet! Take notice of tension in your body, and your body posture. Are your arms or legs crossed? Uncross them. Is there tension in your jaw, stomach or shoulders? Relax them. Take a few deep breaths, and move forward with your day.

The longer you have been depressed, the more those neural networks in your brain will have a clear path to fire those same depressed thoughts at you. It's a cycle. So when you interrupt a 'dark' thought by bringing your focus to the present, you create a new path. Your mind WILL wander back to those same old thoughts, but when you are aware of it, bring your focus back to the present, and you make that new path a little wider.

This practice is called mindfulness and it's an ongoing process. When you become aware of your thoughts, bring your focus back to the present. Over and over again. Soon the new neural network path in your brain is clear and wide enough that you can pick up on your depressive thought AS IT ARISES, and you won't be taken down that depressing mental path so far. 

So although I still get depressed and overwhelmed sometimes, I am able to control my reaction to these thoughts by awareness of their presence, and I NEVER feel as bad as I used to, as things in the present are never that bad.

If you are experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone about it today. The practice of mindfulness will help, however you are not alone and there are organisations you can talk to for free, if you can't talk to someone you know about it.
In Australia: www.blackdoginstitute.org.au or call LifeLine on 13 11 14

The Challenge of Chit-chat

When things are hard in life; when dealing with issues of grief, loss or other hardship it can seem extremely difficult to keep up the chit-chat. The constant pleasantries that are part of the social contract, such as "how was your weekend?", "nice weather we're having!" etc.

I've recently been avoiding the lunch-room at busy times because I find the idle chatter about normal lives too tedious when I'm grappling with thoughts of old age, sickness and death, in relation to my ailing father.

A scene in a book I read recently called "The Name of the World" by Denis Johnson, describes one character, Tiberius Soames, who is assumed insane because he has given up on small-talk. When addressed by someone at a party he replies, "my mother died and her corpse was eaten by dogs". (I'm paraphrasing as I don't have the book in front of me).

How wonderful to be able to say exactly what you were thinking! And how obvious that this would appear crazy. The character even refers to the amount of chit-chat required as part of the social contract, and how he had better talk some nonsense for a while to make everyone happy.

I definitely recommend the book to anyone, even though it is off-beat! And although I haven't taken Tiberius' lead in talking quite so openly, I have spent more time this week engaging other people in honest conversation. I found that answering questions honestly (although with some editing) allows other people to drop the facade and engage in honest conversation too, if they want too.

Who knows? Maybe we are all walking around wishing we could talk more honestly with each other? I know I'm guilty of asking some of those tedious questions to other people in order to make small-talk.

What do you think?

"I don't want to be an ant, you know?" Waking Life

The Depth of Doubt

I remember my bhante (buddhist teacher) telling me once that doubt is a useful tool, but also the last hurdle to leap on the path to enlightenment - it is there till the end. 

Using doubt as a tool to question your thoughts, feelings and beliefs is something I have learnt to do with practise; however some times the doubt travels so deeply - to my core, and it's hard to think about anything else.

Am I in the right job? Should I become ordained? Should I sell everything? Should I stay or should I go? What will happen to my loving partner and our dogs?

I try to use these experiences to open my awareness to the various opportunities available to me, however searching for the other, the better somewhere else, is just a form of chasing, of grasping at the future.

It is a bit like being an alcoholic; taking one day at a time - I don't need to figure out all the answers now, I just need to do the best I can in this moment, and the next moment, and the next moment.

Unfortunately at times like this my ability to remain in the moment is reduced, and my awareness of how short and fleeting our lives are increases, so I have an overwhelming urge to change SOMETHING. Something that will take me one step closer to the end of samsara; this never-ending wheel of birth, life and death.

It must be time to contemplate The Noble Eightfold Path. Perhaps my monthly challenges could instead be focused on the precepts instead of habits?! Although it might be more appropriate to contemplate the path during my morning meditations...

How deep is your doubt? 

Extreme Day Dreaming

More than usual lately I've found myself 'zoning out' for extended periods of time day-dreaming. And the phrase day-dreaming doesn't even cover it... that makes it sound like I'm picturing fluffy white clouds and birds on my shoulder...

I think EXTREME day-dreaming is a bit closer to the truth, it gives you the idea that this is the bigger bolder brother of day-dreaming (who has a dark side).

You see most of these extreme day-dreams (let's call them X-dreams) revolve around me venting at people. Usually shouting, maybe being witty or cruel but sometimes my X-dreams escalate to brutality and I dream about hitting out too.

I'm not overly concerned about this; I've known for many years I have anger issues and I meditate regularly to keep myself calm and on an even keel. So I'm not worried that I'm going to act out one of my X-dreams... I just wonder... is this normal? Does anyone else do this?

I know I can interrupt the X-dream and focus my mind on the present moment to let it go, but I think it's happening more and more lately because I'm finding them useful as a mental vent.

For those unaware my father has bone marrow cancer (myeloma) and I guess none of the family are coping brilliantly. I certainly have felt a LOT more frustration and anger well up inside as I'm dealing with the various details of the disease and it's treatment, so maybe the X-dreams are just my mind's way of releasing those emotions.

Anyway if anyone out there has experienced anything similar, or just wants to let me know that I'm dangerous and should probably have myself committed... then let me know. All feedback is appreciated. 

Stop and smell the ratties

Its been a beautiful winters day here - the sun is shining and it was warm standing in the sunlight at lunch time. I went and stood in the garden for a while to top up my vitamin D and to stretch my legs. As I was standing there thinking about the things I had to do this afternoon and this weekend I saw a rat move inside the hedge less than a metre away.

The movement immediately brought me out of my reverie and into the present moment. Now I could SEE the hedge in front of me, the tiny white flowers on display, as well as the tiny nose and whiskers of the aforementioned rat. I'm quite fond of rats; I've had five pet rats over my life and know they are beguiling and intelligent little creatures. 

Even the slight movement of my body as I started (when I noticed the rat) was enough to keep it hidden for a few minutes; as it relaxed it ventured out in front of me again and I stood still as a statue watching it for as long as I could. I want to thank that little rat for those minutes of meditation while it brought my attention to the present.

We share this world with so many beings we attach the label 'ewww' to; but they can give us so much if we allow them to share our lives. Here is an old picture of me and my rat fiddy (yes, he's eating a corn chip).

New Feminism – Choosing neither career nor family

I was amused to hear on the radio last year of a “New Feminism”: a wave of women who were responding to the pressures on women to “have it all” (the perfect career AND family) by living a fulfilling life with neither. It amused me because here was a tagline that I could easily pin to myself without even being aware of its philosophy.

So as an apparent ‘new feminist’ I can speak on my own behalf about why I have chosen not to have a career or family, but I’d love to hear from other people who have considered or chosen the same path.

Yesterday I briefly covered the reasons for not wanting children; the post was slightly tongue-in-cheek but still accurate from my own point of view. The issue runs much deeper than a quiet house though. I was adopted as a baby by two lovely people who raised me well. As an adult I decided to find my biological mother and we have a very good relationship together.

Possibly because I learnt my life skills from my adoptive parents, I’ve never felt the need to have my own biological children. Even when I was younger and thought I may have children one day, the idea of fostering or adopting a child never seemed like a consolation (for not being able to bear children), but a preferred option. There are so many children in the world that need love already, why create more?

As it turns out, the point is moot for me personally; I don’t want to put my life on hold to raise another being.

As far as a career goes, when I left university I was determined I was going to have a fabulous career and be a millionaire by the time I was thirty. I did give that ‘career’ a serious go: I was working in the IT industry and moved up the pay scale quickly.

Every couple of years I’d move to another firm to work in a different area of the industry because I was never happy with the work I was doing. Even though I created and designed a database for use by the government (a feat I was proud of) it felt hollow, knowing that in a few years all my hard work would be obsolete and replaced by a newer faster model. That is the way of IT, forever evolving. I soon realised anything I produced would essentially be worthless in about four years.

After a decade in the industry I’d tried everything to make my ‘career’ work and all I had was a bucket load of cash I’d blow every weekend in a never ending cycle to forget how empty my life was. During a period of sobriety I was able to contemplate my position, and realised it was time to let go. Let go of the idea of the career.

Shortly after, I quit my job and looked for a less stressful one, as it turned out I landed a job in administration and really enjoyed it. Yes, my pay was tiny in comparison, but I had more fun during my day and no urge to disappear in a fog of forgetfulness every weekend. It was the best decision I’d ever made.

Since then I’ve had a variety of jobs as I’ve jokingly worked my way DOWN the career ladder to less and less stressful (and lower paid) positions. Since I don’t have children and I just have Mike and our two dogs to look after, the lower income doesn’t really matter. I spend less because I earn less, that’s all there is to it.

For me personally, having no career or family is the best thing in the world. I have a job, but I’m honest with my employers that I just want somewhere to work for a few years until I move to the country. Not all employers want every staff member to be ambitious enough to work their way up to management; in my current position there is no position to be promoted to, so I’m a perfect fit!

What are your thoughts on career and family? One, both or neither?

First 12km Fun Run: Results and Reaction

Yesterday I completed the HBF Run for a Reason 12 kilometre course, and I managed to run jog the entire way. I am so proud of myself!

Considering just over 6 months ago I couldn't run at all I feel a huge sense of accomplishment having completed this distance, even though today I am hobbling like a chicken with two broken legs...

The official race results will be published tomorrow, but according to my watch I finished the race in 1 hour and 16 minutes: 5 minutes less than my previous 12kms during training.

At the start line there were rows and rows of portaloos that had been brought into the city centre, and about 400 people queued up to use them! It was cold and about twenty minutes before the race I decided I needed to pee. There was no way I was going to make it through the queue and back to the start in time so I held on.

There were four areas of portaloos along the race course but a queue at every one of them... so I ended up running the entire 12kms needing to pee! It was good motivation to keep running and get there as fast as I could. Perhaps this did affect my running form which went out the window about 5 minutes into the race.

I'm sure this is why my knee is so sore today; it started hurting after the first kilometre or so. Despite a sore knee and a heavy bladder I kept on going, I never really doubted I would make it, which for me is a very positive improvement in mindset.

Having experienced depression in my life, I'm very aware of the critical voices in my head which are regularly mumbling in the background - I think we all have them. However with regular practice in meditation and mindfulness I am now able to notice when these voices arise, stop the train of thought (by focusing on the present: "feet on the floor, breath in the nostrils" etc.) which helps stop the cycle of depression beginning. This kind of mindfulness is a very powerful tool against depression.

What is new, what I'm not used to, is hearing a positive silence; a lack of internal critical voices. I didn't really experience this until I started running long enough to zone-out. Meditation in action. I don't need to focus on my breathing, or on my feet hitting the pavement, I just stop thinking altogether and start experiencing life.

This is how I felt during moments of the run but overall I just KNEW I would make it, no matter what. Have you experienced a rise in self-confidence? What helped you?

Living for the Now vs. Living for the Future

My other-half Mike and I have two different systems for managing life goals and immediate gratification. We both have the same dream: to build a largely self-sufficient permaculture site on our block in the country; we just have different methods for getting us there.

Mike believes the best thing for us to do is to work as hard as we can in full time positions, to pay off our house mortgage in the city. Once this is paid off we intend to keep the house for rental income to subsidise our (lack of) income when we move to The Paddock (our block in the country).

This is a good and sensible plan, which is why this is the action we are currently taking. However, I have an issue with this approach which is what I call ‘living for the future’. By committing to working full time in jobs we don’t love for another decade (which is how long it will take to be able to pay off our mortgage), aren’t we selling-out our ‘now’ for a good slice of ‘maybe’ in the future?

Life doesn’t offer guarantees, so perhaps in a decade Mike or I will be too sick to move to the country or build a house. I have used this “what if?” style of thinking, that I call ‘living for the now’ my entire adult life. If I’m not happy somewhere, I leave. If I’m not happy with myself, I try to be a better person. If I don’t like my job, I look for a better one.

I’ve always thought of myself as proactive person, without too many attachments; I can easily sell all my belongings and move country, I find it liberating. What I really have trouble with is staying put. I’ve discussed my inability to 'finish' in a previous post but I what I didn’t say there is, this has been an ongoing issue repeated throughout my life.

Before Mike, my longest relationship with anyone was two years. I’ve never stayed with any company for more than two years; in fact I’ve had three separate career changes over my lifetime! I’m nearly forty and I still haven’t found a job I’d be happy to do for the next ten years of my life.

My plan for moving to the country would be to do a kind of “MoneylessMan” and move into our tin shed, eke out a living with a few hours work at the local pub while we scrape together enough money to attempt to build a house while still paying off a mortgage. You can see why we’re doing it Mike’s way…. his is the only plan that makes sense.

Maybe that’s why we’ve lasted as a couple for over 11 years; not only do I love him but I think he makes sense. If it had been up to me I would have quite my job, sold my house and moved to the country years ago (of course, I would still be in an unpowered, unwatered and uninsulated tin shed years later). 

Luckily, I have Mike to remind me that sometimes it’s OK to work towards something in the future. That there are no guarantees for your planned future coming to pass, so you make today as good and as happy as possible, WITHOUT throwing away the plans for the future.

 

"Two friends building a house together"

What is your method for balancing future goals and happiness today?

A dream or a new reality?

Good morning world. I had to start early to get this out.

Last night, in fact, this morning at some time between 4am and 5.30am I had the most amazing dream. The details aren’t important, but it was full of fear and fantasy; a life-and-death situation. Over the years I’ve learnt that (for me at least) the details of the dream aren’t important, the only message to be read in dreams can be found in the over-riding emotion you are left with when it is over.

In this case, when my alarm went off and I realised that my world of chases and drama was over and it was time to get up and go to work, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep to face my fears and fulfill my potential in THAT world. In this world, I was just going to go sit at a desk and answer a phone, while ‘dreaming’ of my life that is to be.

Is that what life is? A boring alternative reality? It reminded me of a quote from one of my favourite movies of all time: Waking Life. “Giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint, a sudden exhilaration as he realized that at last, something was happening to him.”

That is exactly how I felt upon awakening this morning. Given the chance I would have chosen a life of danger and immanent physical threat, over the usual day-to-day drudgery – just to feel alive. It’s a terrible irony to feel more alive when dreaming than when awake.

But, to move past ‘wishing’ for another life, the concepts in Waking Life show us we can say yes to each moment. That each moment of our lives and our existence are unique and amazing in their own way. Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman (my favourite book) and the movie that followed, Peaceful Warrior also explain this concept beautifully.

On my way to work this morning I didn’t pull out my smart phone and play games, or read a book. I meditated. I felt the breeze on my face at the train station, heard the conversation of strangers on the train, and noticed the play of light on the leaves of the trees. Gorgeous.

Now I don’t need the risk of danger or the thrill of the chase to be happy with life. 

I can just say yes.