Fasting one day a week: reflection

I must admit, I thought this challenge would be a lot easier! March's monthly challenge was to fast for one day each week (we chose Sunday) and there was only one day we truly succeeded.

On each other occasion we decided that we needed one warm meal a day, why was this?

Years ago I tried eating raw food only for a month, and was equally unsuccessful. At the time my colleague suggested that I was addicted to hot food, because the lack of a warm meal had a direct impact on my mental health. I became depressed; first mentally, then physically as well.

After a few days of eating only raw food for breakfast and lunch I would go home to a cold house (it was winter) and eat a cold salad. And then cry (literally). Perhaps my physical needs were being met by the meal but my emotional needs were not, and it looks like not a lot has changed.

I honestly wonder whether this is something that I need to be concerned about though - is this 'addiction' something I actually need to break? So I'm a happier person if I eat one warm meal a day. OK, I can live with that. I'm lucky enough to live in a place where hot meals are readily affordable and available so I'm chalking it up to having learnt more about myself.

There is a big part of me that feels I should push myself out of my comfort zones. Somehow knowing that the lack of a warm meal makes me uncomfortable, means that a part of me wants to push in that direction, to face the discomfort. Why is that?

In the past I learnt rock climbing, went bungee jumping (twice) and jumped out of a plane because I was uncomfortable with heights. Guess what? I'm still afraid of heights (probably worse than I was originally) but I've made some amazing memories along the way.

Maybe that drive to push myself out of my comfort zone is really just another way to take control (of the fear); perhaps it is just another form of samsara. Instead of avoiding discomfort I push myself into it as a way to control it. Neither avoiding nor hurtling towards discomfort allows you to experience it and let it go.

So with that in mind, I have learnt that fasting for a whole day isn't for me (at this point in time, but could be revisited again in the future). I currently have a smoothie for breakfast and a salad for lunch most days, so a warm meal at night is a comfort I'm willing to hang on to. 

To feel a place of warmth with my partner and my dogs; knowing THAT warmth is fleeting (as all is impermanent) brings a state of awareness to the simple beauty of a warm meal with loved ones. And I thank the fast for that new awareness of what I always had.

Shaken to the core by another's presence: what does it mean?

This morning a man came into my office and asked to use the phone. I work at front desk so was the first person to greet him and asked him a few questions in order to help him find where he was going (he was lost).

We chatted for less than 5 minutes in total and I helped him use the phone and find where he needed to be going. By the time he left I was physically shaking and had to leave front desk and take 5 minutes to calm down. What happened?

I honestly don't know. I have had previous occasions in my life when I have felt overwhelmed by other people's emotions (if someone is very sad I can feel depressed even after they have left my presence, for example) however I always assumed that was natural. This felt very unnatural.

After he left I looked up the address he was headed to and it was to a Psychiatrist's Office, which really just confirmed the strong 'vibe' I received from him. Does anyone know what happened?

I googled 'sensitivity to others energy' which just brought back thousands of pages relating to crystals, chakras and spiritual healing. Not my bag baby. How do I find out what I experienced without losing my practical scientific self? Maybe I can't and it's down to the mysteries of life (cue sitar music), but maybe the wanting to know is just grasping/clinging (from a buddhist perspective) and I should let it go.

Have you experienced anything similar?

This is how it felt

Quantum mechanics: What do you mean I’m empty headed?

I watched a documentary last night called The Story of Science (Episode 2. What is the world made of?) Which, within the first 30 seconds completely blew my mind. Apparently if you were to take every person on the planet and remove all the empty space in us and push our matter together, we would take up the same amount of space as one small sugar cube. That’s all 7 billion of us in that one small sugar cube.

This is because when you break down what IS matter, you find molecules of elements made of atoms, but in each atom is a miniscule nucleus surrounded by a few whizzing electrons that don’t really occupy any space. Quantum mechanics does its best to offer a theory of where our electrons may pop into being at any one time, but, the electrons are so far away from the nucleus that the massive majority of what makes us (and all matter in the universe) is nothing. Void. Empty space.

A brilliant quote by physicist Niels Bohr offered in the program is, “If quantum mechanics hasn’t profoundly shocked you, you haven’t understood it yet”. Really this is a mind blowing concept if ever there was one. I feel solid, so does the ground, my chair, this desk; actually it’s all just empty space with trillions of tiny atoms moving around each other.

Although the theory of quantum mechanics has raised more questions than it has answered, it opens up the realm of possibility for human potential. As a Buddhist, it seems to me that knowing quantum mechanics (particularly, knowing that we are void empty space) is akin to enlightenment. Is it possible that Buddha had this awakening under the bodhi tree, that we are just star dust and space?

Of course knowing something with your head and knowing something with each atom of your body are two separate things. The movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?” discusses the possibilities that open up as we take charge of our infinite possibilities and manage our internal mayhem. I had a eureka moment watching that movie years ago as I realised that I had been choosing to be depressed for years because that was the habit my body was in. Changing my mood was literally up to me to change my mind. Once you have this knowledge you can change yourself in an instant. I did.

I’m not saying I’ve never been depressed since watching that movie, but when I’ve felt the old habits of whinging and sulking begin, I’m aware I have the power to change them, and I do. I no longer wallow in self-pity, and that’s a pretty amazing skill to have learnt while watching a movie.

As a new generation grow up with the knowledge of quantum physics, the possibilities of a deeper understanding are apparent. If we KNOW in our vibrating physical being that we are simply nuclei, electrons and space, what is stopping us from separating our bodies into particles in space? Humankind has the potential for a conscious evolution.

No, by the way, I’m not tripping, although I understand your point. This can all sound very hippy-dippy fast, which is why it is so amazing that scientific theory and research are proving that fact is truly stranger than fiction.

Choosing Childlessness

More people in ‘developed’ countries are choosing not to have children₁ which is apparently called being child-free instead of childless, because being childless implies something is missing. I have never wanted to have children, and I’m lucky enough to have met a wonderful man who feels the same way I do.

When I was younger people always told me “when you’re older you’ll change your mind”, but I’m 37 years old and the maternal urge still hasn’t kicked in, so I really believe it’s not going to. Nearly all my family and friends have two or more children, and those kids are great. I get to play with them and send them home again, and I get to go home to my nice quiet house.

It’s not like I’m a neat-freak. TRUST me. I live in near squalor as I’m lazy and have two dogs who love to shed their hair all over my furniture. What I do love, is quiet. Shhhhh. Here that? Quiet.....

I LOVE quiet, and that doesn’t mean total silence, I like to blast my tunes with the best of them, but in short doses (usually when I’m getting ready to go out or hyping myself up for a major task). The rest of the time I enjoy minimal noise in my life. And children make a LOT of noise.

Obviously there’s the screaming. Usually in short bursts but if your baby gets sick then you can welcome hours and hours of wailing. Then they learn to talk, and although some girls don’t need to be told what an ‘inside voice’ is most kids generally shout at the top of their lungs even if they’re asking for a sandwich. Usually after an hour or so with a loud kid I’m exhausted and need to exit the room for some quiet time.

And we haven’t even gotten to the incessant questions or answering back, or teenage years. Honestly, why do so many people feel the drive to have kids? Before you have a two year old asking you “why?” after everything you say did you ever stop and ask yourself “why?” you want to have kids in the first place? I don’t think many people do.

It’s just part of the plan for our lives we never question. Grow up, go to school, go to college, get a job, a car, a house, get married, have kids, your kids have kids, you retire and eventually die. No questions asked.

Having children is a huge commitment; in order to be good parents you need to essentially put your dreams on hold and put all your energy into parenting. Not only energy but money too. Some figures reported in 2009 showed that each child costs on average $200,000 just to get them through high school, and most people have more than one child.

I have thought about having children, Mike and I have talked about it a lot. I wanted to make sure we felt the same way so every couple of years we’d check in with each other and see if our feelings had changed, but they haven’t. We have a dream for our future; the life we are creating at The Paddock together. If we were to have children we wouldn’t have the time, money or energy to build that dream.

Luckily for us, we don't believe we're missing out. Yes, there are experiences that people have as parents that we won't have. But we are creating a new world of experiences that we wouldn't be able to have with children.

What do you think about having children? 

₁http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Childfree